My gods aren’t personal… and that’s okay.

Thor (18th Century Iceland)

Recently Real Heathenry published a piece arguing for the postion of the Gods not being personal Gods.  I agree with them. Whether you agree or not, I strongly urge you to go read their piece, even if you disagree. I have found that the more I challenge my own beliefs, the more I learn and grow as a person and a Heathen.

I am not going rehash their points. I want to talk about something that goes beyond that question, into my own personal practices and beliefs. This essay is my own personal experience as a Heathen woman over the past fifteen years. It is not a criticism of anyone’s beliefs and practices. I only speak to what I believe is the best practices for me, and how I came to those conclusions.

I grew up in a religious tradition that heavily valued a personal relationship with their god. It was the focus of one’s life, and the focus of almost all aspects of worship and study. There is something deeply meaningful about the idea there is someone up above looking out for you. This belief is very pervasive in almost all modern western religion.

When I first became a Heathen, the idea of being “fultrui” with a god was common, if not expected. For many years, I considered myself a devotee of Frey. However, I never got back the relationship that I expected. I believed that all gods worked the same way. I feel silly typing that out. The fact is every goddess or god in every pantheon is a unique being with unique personalities, likes, dislikes, and quirks. If one god in one belief system acted one way, that every god in every belief system acted the same was a giant logical fallacy on my part.

As time went on, however, I still craved some sort of personal relationship with something greater than myself. I wanted to feel a protective and loving power in my life, one that many people would associate with a divine presence. This was a time of great emotional and spiritual struggle for me. I even considered finding another religious path, my desire ran so deep. I tried on a few for size, but they never compared to the soundness I feel in my beliefs as a Heathen.

This lead to a moment of “Now what?” I firmly believe that daily connection to something greater than myself is critical to my spiritual and mental health. If the Gods are not the beings to fill that role, who is? Who can I petition for the daily needs of myself and my family? Who is invested in me and mine in

The author, her father, and her grandmother and great grandmother

a way that allows a strong personal relationship?

I was reminded who in my life has loved me unconditionally and has been there no matter what circumstances – my grandmother and great grandmother. There was no one I loved or trusted more than my grandmother and her mother. I am truly their heir. When they were alive, they both would have moved the heavens and earth to help me if I were in need.

I lost my grandmother almost two years ago, and her mother when I was a teenager. Both losses were very hard on me, because I felt as if a piece of my life was missing. However, as a Heathen, death is not the separation it is in other religions. We believe in actively maintaining our relationships with our ancestors, and they are with us. My grandmother and great-grandmother still have a vested interest in me, and as disir, they have knowledge beyond my moral human perceptions.

It started small. I wanted to build my relationship with them, since it had been a while since we talked. I set up an ancestral altar, and left gifts for them – their favorite foods, flowers, and other things I knew they loved. I visited every morning. I also began focusing on things that I knew that they enjoyed when they were living, specifically fiber work, music, and genealogy. The first two were incredibly important to this process, as my grandmother and great-grandmother taught me both.

Most of my family is buried far away, so I have made do with this altar. I go there now when I need guidance or just need to talk to them. Our relationship is just as strong as when they were alive. I get emotional writing this, because their love and presence in my life daily grounds me and helps me to remain focused on what is important. This relationship has also helped me internalize many Heathen concepts, and learn to be a more understanding and loving wife, daughter, friend, and sister.

The author and her grandmother

This has broadened over time to more of my female ancestors. I collectively call them “Amma,” the Icelandic word for Grandmother. I call to them many times through my day, sometimes in need of guidance, but mostly in gratitude for my life. I go nightly to my altar and leave gifts for them in gratitude for another prosperous day.

Through this process, I have discovered that I don’t need a “personal god.” I am fortunate and blessed to have powerful ancestors who I share deep and meaningful relationships. I live a life full of luck and prosperity. I credit all of this directly to my relationship with my Amma.

To any women who might feel a bit lost in Heathenry, I encourage you to forge these bonds with your disir. I cannot speak to men’s experiences, but I know that my disir were there and eager to be a part of my life and continue to build the familial luck and prosperity. I firmly believe that your disir are eager to be a part of your life as well.

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